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Honest Struggle

 

Most of the posts on this site are instructive or informative in nature. These articles attempt to shed light on the scriptures, Christian life, and how the two weave each of our lives into authentically original stories testifying to God’s faithfulness. As with anything else, you will not find two Christians exactly alike. Each person’s walk with God is different, each requiring difficulty and joy, toil and work, pain and pleasure. How all of this works out differs from person to person. The nature of this article is going to be much more, personal than most of the others. In some ways this post is confessional. I have lately been telling myself that I need to begin following my own advice…that I begin living my life in all its gritty reality out in front of people as an example of what Christians really look like. Mind you…this is not in any way to show you how wonderful I am, in most cases you will see how disobedient, hardheaded, and incomprehensibly idiotic I am. As some of you may have noticed…I have not written anything in quite some time for this site. This has not occurred without reason. While I have had the intention of writing articles, even beginning some…I have found that doing anything on this site other than what I am doing now feels less than honest.

So here I am, writing to all of you informing you that the time of me “acting” as if I have my act together is over. The reality is…in many cases, I am a mess. I have never felt farther from God than I do now. A fairly consistent fog of despair seems to gather in the air wherever I go…this may not be something others see…but it is something I see and feel constantly. On some days, in some moments, this despair is something lurking in the background…and at other times, it is literally a feeling so over powering that doing anything other than sleeping or playing on my phone seems like a serious strain. Some months ago, I wrote about calling and how I had misunderstood calling not only in its use within the Bible, but also the calling on my own life. As time has gone by, my comfort with that understanding of calling…of my understanding has slowly begun to sour. The biblical understanding of calling as something that occurs from God through the people of God as I stated in that article still stands…but my negation of my calling has become a matter of increasing strife in my soul. So…I write this for three reasons.

  1. To let each of you know that I will be recording this process here as I search God out and try to figure out what he wants of me.
  2. To seek God on this issue in a public way showing people (especially Christians) that living authentically with one another means being purposely and brutally honest about our struggles.
  3. To ask all of you to pray for me as I am assuredly going to need all the prayers that I can get.

I thank all of you for reading this. I hope that in doing this together I can come to some hard true answers by which I may begin taking real steps toward healing. To end I leave you with my the verse that has become my “themed” verse as of late.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

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